You may have tried asking your husband to pray with you before, but he avoids it or begrudgingly acquiesces and the closes up like a clam or shrugs off your attempts to involve him with a joke or excuse.
You are growing closer to God and long to share this with your husband. Your relationship with God is at the deepest center of your heart and soul…it is a beautiful desire and wish to share the deepest part of you with the love of your life. You long to grow closer to God together and you have an intuition that if you prayed as spouses, your marriage would be stronger, you would become holier, you would be better parents and better spouses, etc.
However, if you’ve attempted prayer with your spouse and your attempts fell short or didn’t stick, it’s not likely that you persisted long. The male-female relationship is complex and tricky at times; there can be hurdles to overcome in order to create a strong spousal prayer life.
The good news is that spousal prayer is completely achievable and will 100% bring you closer to the above goals (better marriage, closer relationship, becoming better people and parents, etc). If you’ve tried before to involve your husband in prayer and it didn’t work, do NOT give it up as a lost cause. You are going to try again and keep trying, but this time you will have some tools in your belt that will Change. The. Game.
10 Secret Hacks for Involving Your Husband in Prayer
- Invite him. Men run the other way when their wives nag, guilt them into doing something, or pressure them with “you should”. Even worse is the feeling that he has failed you in the past and disappointed you. He’s not likely to run towards a situation in which he has “failed” before. Just ask. Sweetly and without pressure. Be prepared for him to say no. If that happens, don’t throw up your hands and get angry, just respond “aww, okay! maybe next time!” Then go and have your prayer time and make sure to pray for him and ask God to fulfill your desire to pray with your husband.
- Simplify. Prayer time with your spouse shouldn’t be complicated, especially at first. One way to engage in it is just to read a section of the Bible (start with a story from the Gospels or one of the daily readings), tell each other what stood out to you, read it again (you could take turns) so you hear it at least a couple times. Sit in silence (listening to God, praying with and for your spouse). Then share with each other anything thoughts of inspirations. End with an Our Father or a simple Glory Be.
- Pay attention to timing. Don’t expect your husband to drop everything and pray whenever it’s convenient for you. If he just walked in the door from work, or has an empty stomach, or is trying to mow the lawn, wait until later. Even if he’s sitting on the couch, don’t assume he’s got nothing to do. Instead, ask him if he would please pray with you sometime today. If he says yes, ask him when would be a good time. If he doesn’t give you a time, suggest one you think makes sense. After dinner, after the kids go to bed, or over morning coffee if he’s a morning person. Some men really appreciate knowing how much time it will take. Start with a short time period (i.e. 10 minutes) and add on over time if you want to. If you’re looking for a script, try this: “Hey honey! Would you mind taking 10 minutes to pray with me this evening after the kids go to bed? It would really make my day.”
- Share your heart honestly. Be vulnerable, even if it is difficult. Your husband married you for better or for worse, and he loves you with all your weakness and imperfections. Don’t be afraid to show your heart in prayer. On the flipside, don’t expect him to do the same. It’s typically way harder for men to open up or share their hearts. They may do this more easily over time, especially if you withhold from any kind of judgement or criticism. In fact, don’t comment on what he shares in prayer. And DON’T share it with anyone else. Don’t pressure him to share more than he’s comfortable with. Over time he may open up if you gain his trust by allowing him to be himself and accepting who he is. Hold his confidence in high regard, never criticize what he says in prayer or express disappointment in him.
- Let the Holy Spirit lead. In your heart of hearts, don’t you want God and your husband to take you by the hand and lead you and care for you? Don’t you want to allow them to provide for you and make you happy? If so, do NOT take a superior “teaching/leading” tone with your husband. He can’t be your knight in shining armor if you drag him along like an uncooperative puppy dog that you are training.
- Create a relaxing environment for prayer. Many people are highly affected by their environment. If you are trying to pray in the middle of the kitchen when the kids are whining for food, the dishes are piled on the counters, and the chicken is burning on the stove, neither of you will likely have a positive association with prayer time. If you try to pray when your husband is pressed for time to get out the door for work in the morning, there’s no food for breakfast, and the house has been cluttered with toys for days, he may not have the patience for it. Instead, imagine a scenario such as this: After dinner, you have the kids start cleaning up the kitchen while you sneak out to the porch with your husband. The evening air immediately brings down your stress levels. Maybe you light a candle and set out a couple glasses of wine or ice water. Nothing fancy, just setting a tone that says “let’s relax and enjoy being together”. A couple kids wander out after their chores and you let them play in the yard while you pray together. Just 10 minutes. It’s so enjoyable that you linger for a while longer in the evening, chatting while the kids play outside. Or, perhaps you sit on the couch with coffee and pastries after Sunday mass. Put on some soft music, throw a couple puzzles on the floor, and gently tell the little ones “this is Mommy and Daddy’s prayer time” when they interrupt you. What a beautiful witness for kids to see their parents praying or reading the Bible together.
- Start with Scripture. Don’t expect your husband to pray extemporaneously out loud. Some people do this naturally, while others shy away from it like the plague. Rely on Scripture and silence to guide your prayer time together. Read a passage from the Bible, allow a few minutes of silence, then share thoughts, inspirations, or graces. Include one set or rote prayer, such as the Our Father…something you can pray out loud together. Perhaps this can open and/or conclude your prayer time.
- Elaborating on the above: embrace silence together. Often times silence is welcome for men, even if it feels awkward for women. Your husband probably enjoys your company, without needing conversation. This may increase the positive association around praying together, if he is allowed to just “be” with you without words. Allow for silence, and don’t fall prey to the temptation to fill up the silence or dominate the conversation. Do you want your husband to hear God’s voice? Then let your voice rest so he has a chance to hear the Holy Spirit whisper in his heart. There can be times during the prayer when you speak (reading the Bible, sharing thoughts or graces at the end), but make sure you allow for at least a chunk of silence. Trust God to work. “In the silence of the heart, God speaks”. -St. Mother Theresa
- Focus on the journey. Be patient with small baby steps toward praying as a couple. Maybe this means starting with a weekly prayer time. Just 5 minutes. Just reading the Gospel. Or just praying one Our Father before you go to bed at night. Start slow, don’t over-expect. And don’t compare yourself to the ideal, or to another couple, or to how you THINK you should be praying. Don’t focus on shortcomings. Just start, and be grateful for the attempt.
- Persist in praying together, or inviting your husband to pray, even if he doesn’t want to. Don’t be afraid to be the one to ask. If God gave you this desire, go forward with trust. Don’t get discouraged and don’t give up.
When you and your husband pray together, you are sharing the deepest part of your interior life: your relationship with God. You will grow closer in a more intimate way, and your marriage will become stronger. The couple that prays together, stays together. It may not be easy, but this is something you are going to fight for, because it will be life changing for your marriage, your family, and your eternity together.
Let’s compile all this information into an easy to access cheat sheet. Print this out and put a copy in your Bible or prayer spot. Glance over it quickly before approaching your husband and inviting him (sweetly!) to pray with you 🙂
The 10 Secret Do’s and Don’t You Need to Know for How to Involve Your Husband in Prayer!
- Do: Invite. Don’t: Nag.
- Do: Simplify. Don’t: Complicate.
- Do: Pay attention to timing. Don’t: Expect him to drop everything and pray whenever it’s convenient for you.
- Do: Share your heart honestly, and earn his trust by allowing him to be himself. Don’t: Expect it to be easy for him to open up or be vulnerable. And do NOT criticize what he says in prayer or express disappointment in him.
- Do: Let the Holy Spirit lead. Don’t: take a superior “teaching/leading” tone with your husband.
- Do: Make a relaxing environment. Don’t: forget you are body AND soul!
- Do: Read Scripture and share thoughts and inspirations. Don’t: Expect each other to pray extemporaneously out loud.
- Do: embrace silence together. Don’t: Dominate the conversation or fill up all the pockets of silence.
- Do: Focus on the journey…be patient with small baby steps toward praying as a couple. Don’t: Compare yourself to the ideal and focus on shortcomings.
- Do: persist in praying together, even if you have to be the one to ask. Don’t: Get discouraged and give up.
